in amidst of my struggles and hopelessness at this point in time, full of feeling of loneliness, left behind with no one to lean on, i still do believe I HAVE YOU, as You always showed me no matter how hard life is, it is still wonderful just like how amazing You are to give us these such a not-so-perfect existence, giving us the world to live, chances to experience different success and difficulties that will enable to strengthen us and be mature and brave in facing another endeavors comes along our way, as we are more knowledgeable and prepared in handling such situation we might encounter. we, anyone of us in this world didn't know what the world awaits us, that's one thing that makes life so awesome, because of its full of surprises. everything we experienced, although the hardest was THE ASTONISHING GIFTS FROM YOU. i wont deny sometimes in the most difficult times of my life, as i feel devastated, many questions as i ask, "do i deserve this? why do i have to experience these such? why me?", i shed tears, tears that expresses what my heart felt that can't interpret by my mouth.
in the past days, months, that i felt nonfunctional, restless, depress, stress from head to toe, lose the biggest battle, felt misunderstood, no one else left, i always lift up myself, by doing it ALONE, all by myself. it started on the day that the primary persons in my life was almost destroy, ruined by the unexpected deeds done that was really causes each one of us hurt, feel the hardest pain, that after a long years run that we make our lives better and live simply, intact and happy, in just one glimpse, it ruined everything. but still, we chose to be together, forgive, giving each other's a chance to make things right, and stand strong in facing of those people who want to make us see broke and miserable. As we start all over, it came to the point that we have to give up the stable things that we have that we've worked out for a long long time, in order for us to start a brand new beginning, as we aim to be happy and be stronger this time around. making those decisions had been so hard for me to accept, giving up a lot of things, a feeling of "starting to scratch" without nothing, breaks my heart leaving a life i used to love and be in forever. it causes me a lot of depressions, sadness, devastation, but i have to be in it for another wonderful beginning with the people whom i was to treasure in my whole entire life, in short those hard sacrifices makes it hard for me to accept. days and days, as we step-by-step doing remedies, comes a findings causes to test my patience, that in a short while made it solved. as things seems doing a good run, i was totally been in a FULL DAMAGED OF HEARTBREAK, unexpected, worst nightmare, uncontrollable, the hardest peak i can't even handle on. acceptance, forgiveness had been so hard, so hard for me to start all over again on that tragedy, tragedy who cause is the person that i didn't expect will do this to me, the only person i expect that wont leave me, when the world step back at me, the person i didn't expect will fail me. on that day on, I FEEL SO ALONE. no one else left. as also the dreams that i have in my hand WAS GONE, added by another situation which makes me feel so weak, as i had my illness that i have to deal for a mean time.
its hard for me to start, but i have to help myself, lift up, as i know a brighter tomorrow awaits. i always keep a positive thoughts in me. never let every single moment ruin me in conquering these such things that i was about to be been through, for my own benefits, making myself a better, preparation on stepping in another journey as i finish this tough road that i have to cross. leading the path and make me see the brightest sunshine at the end of the dark tunnel. making myself happy in the times being happy is unknown. and trusting You and leave everything in Your hands, as i always believe that these are all your plans for me, that this is just the twist and turns, slowly re-gaining liveliness, bring back the life i used to, the life that i will deserved, the life that i will be happy and contented. no what if's, no worries, simply, calm and free.
now, i am still OFFICIALLY NOT YET DONE in these, still be needing to fix some hitch remains. sacrificing to lose someone for the benefit of the persons i should be focused on. let go of my personal desires in making every basic things in life put on the right track. prioritize the persons who needed me the most, taking things one step at a time, slowly but surely. right now, that i feel so lost, i don't know where to extract strength, i feel hopeless, a hard moment to re-construct myself, full of tears is speaking for the hurt what my mouth cant express. but i still look up on you, Lord God, coz You are the beautiful rainbow in every storms, you never fail to let me feel Your presence, i am not giving up because YOU ARE STILL MY ONE AND ONLY STRENGTH remain, MY HOPE, MY SUCCESS. i am strongly KEEPING MY FAITH, i wont give up until i see the brightest sunshine after all of these darkest path i've gone all along. i am holding on to the idea that I HAVE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL TOMORROW AFTER STORMS. i may lose some, but definitely will paid off by a better one. I HOLD ON TO YOU, i will NEVER GIVE UP ON YOU, i am still positive on what the upcoming days brings. thankyou Lord for never giving up on me, thankyou Lord God for never leaving, thankyou Lord God for everything, i want you to know, how happy i am to feel your undying love. I AM BETTER TOMORROW AS I HAVE YOU LORD GOD, I CLAIM IT IN YOUR NAME! coz tomorrow, im gonna wear the biggest smiles on earth I PROMISE :)
AMEN.
-maui
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